I spent a lot of years too depressed to write, and beating myself up about it. After all, "a real writer HAS to write," so if I could get by and not write, then I must not be a real writer. And then I'd stress myself out trying to write and beat myself up about that, too.

It took me years to stop beating myself up about it, and slightly longer than that to decide that all those things people say about "real" writers are just shit someone made up.

Which is mostly to say: I sympathize, and I hope you can give yourself permission to do the things that make you happier, and forgive yourself when those things aren't perfect.

Good luck.