There's bound to be a ghost at the back of your closet, no matter where you live

[balsamandash]

Things that are still hard: Being alive.

I'm working on that, though. I'm going to talk to my mother. I'm going to put in for jobs so I can move and I can quit. I think I'm going to sit down and seriously decide if I need to temporarily wash my hands of writing -- and not in the "I suck, I just need to quit" way, in a "wow, I need to settle my head on my life circumstances and taking the stress off myself to commit words for a while might help" kind of way, and see if I can find a way to forgive myself not trying til things get fixed.

I'm going to do it, and I swear to god I give everyone permission to yell at me til I actually do it this week. Because I have to. I really have to, or I don't know how much longer I'm going to get by without an actual breakdown.

(This post brought to you by a long night at work being the one to run the walkie-talkie and the announcement system while fighting my brain to keep from going nonverbal, a long week of trying not to cry at work, and a long however-the-fuck-it's-been-I-honestly-don't-know of depression and anxiety beating me over the head.)

Comments

[alexseanchai]

"wow, I need to settle my head on my life circumstances and taking the stress off myself to commit words for a while might help"

It might. On the other hand, I often find that writing is a balm of sorts. So, maybe don't tell yourself you can't write, but do tell yourself you don't have to write?

That sounds like a horribly stressful evening/week/age.

[balsamandash]

When words actually come out, writing can help a lot. But words are kind of getting tangled up from stress, and the constant bashing myself over the head to write (because what kind of writer am I if I don't actually write?) doesn't do much good for me. (The bashing to write something original doesn't help either. I can kind of scrape up the energy for fanfic, or supremely fanfic-esque rainbowfic AUs, but that, according to my brain, doesn't count.)

So, yeah, basically as you said. I don't think I'd ever force myself NOT to write if I had the time and inclination, but it's the have to that drives me up a wall.

It's been a something. Tonight's my Friday at least, but now I have to go tell my mother I want to move in my days off and hope nobody flips out.

[teaotter]

I spent a lot of years too depressed to write, and beating myself up about it. After all, "a real writer HAS to write," so if I could get by and not write, then I must not be a real writer. And then I'd stress myself out trying to write and beat myself up about that, too.

It took me years to stop beating myself up about it, and slightly longer than that to decide that all those things people say about "real" writers are just shit someone made up.

Which is mostly to say: I sympathize, and I hope you can give yourself permission to do the things that make you happier, and forgive yourself when those things aren't perfect.

Good luck.

[balsamandash]

Words are coming hard but yes. Thank you. This is basically where my brain goes too and I'm glad you could get past it eventually. Brains are hard and defeating them is a feat worthy of applause. <3

And thank you. I'm working on it, it's just... slow as hell.

[worlds_of_smoke]

*

[balsamandash]

<3

[silveradept]

Brains. I might say that "fuck't" permission could extend out to anything not necessary for staying alive, so that you can deal with a minimal instruction set.

[balsamandash]

Brains are dumb. Which, on the same note, that's... not actually something I think I know how to do, but I'm working on it. (my brain gets too paranoid over all the things I'll have to just do later! and what about the things people will get disappointed about! you're not allowed to disappoint people! think of the people! think of the fact that you should! you're not actually doing that much in the first place anyway! ... my brain is very loud right now. I need to get it to shut up so I can sleep.)

[silveradept]

Unless brain enjoys total breakdown, it should be vulnerable to the idea that rest is needed, as well as prioritization, to ensure breakdown doesn't happen. If it needs an external source, you have both permission and orders to say "fuck't" to all things unnecessary to survival until the brain can resume normal activity.