balsamandash: River Tam (Firefly) laying on the ground and looking up (ff] ghosts & clouds & nameless things)
We did many, many things this last week, and now I have books and clothes I have not seen in a year, and also a PS3! Which means games and also a DVD player! It's very exciting. I kind of want to go digging back into old series, even though there are so many new things I still need to read. But I unearthed Percy Jackson and Circle of 3 and Dragonlance and I could just spend the next few months rereading those instead.

Other than that, all I want to do with life is go between listening to music and reading Undertale fanfic/fancomics, and watching Youtube while playing Avengers Academy and Marvel Tsums. Maybe occasionally stop off to play old playstation games. It's kind of a problem.

I have been getting a little better about keeping up the workstuff though, and tonight I shall make salmon and shrimp and pasta and then maybe try to write ASW prompts. We'll see. It's that or sleep, but I went from super tired to super awake in the last half hour, so who knows.
balsamandash: (s] hope in the air)
We are home! We got back -- uh, almost two days ago now, but I spent Monday night talking to roommate and then passing out, and basically slept or zoned out most of yesterday, so this is my first properly here and awake day. The festival more or less did not go terribly, save for a few issues here and there. Didn't get any readings or make a lot of money, but we got a whole bunch of people taking cards and signing up for mailing lists, so that's exciting, and I got to see a fun musical show, bought some neat things, and discovered a whole new form of divination to play with. And Bast discovered bone readings.

There's a few ideas we have for making our products more eye-catching next time we do this and we're not doing any big festivals until next year, so. Hopefully it goes a little smoother next time.

Now that I'm home I need to do a bunch of work on my mother's stuff, overhaul some stuff on my site, and get my toe dipped into the editing stuff, but this coming week roommate's going on vacation and we're going to be doing a lot of physical cleaning and reorganizing, so that's the main priority.

It also kind of kindled a desire to jump back into magic/religion stuff, which is nice, even if I have no idea where to go with that. I also want to do writing stuff, which, no idea where that came from, but here we are. I keep eyeing [community profile] smallfandomfest and [community profile] pod_together though. (As podficcer or writer on that last one, I'm not sure, but man I want to do the thing.) I guess we'll see this week. Work kind of needs to be the front burners, but... words.

I think that's about it -- I am going to get coffee, put on the Mechanisms, and try and get my head in gear for doing something.
balsamandash: Annie Edison (Community) hiding her eyes with her hand (com] don't look)
Guess who's a scattered mess today! Hint, it's me. It's generally me.

Babbling about yesterday's mess. )

So yes. I have many things to do today, but I'm gonna try and do all the Tarot stuff between doing those things. And then tomorrow I leave for Tennessee! We should be back Monday night, but not til at least 10 or 11 at night, and then there's stuff to take care of Tuesday, so it's entirely possible I won't entirely exist until Tuesday night at earliest.

Well wishes and luck is greatly appreciated, because I'm still nervous as fuck about the salesman aspect of it, even if I have the Tarot stuff pretty down.
balsamandash: River Tam (Firefly) laying on the ground and looking up (* our witch)
Hello new people! I've got a bit of an about-me post here, but I've done a couple friending memes and the revival comm without ever doing a more indepth intro thing, and there may be random things older people just never heard as well, so here is an intro thing. I am generally not great at talking about myself, so we're gonna do this in whatever bits and pieces come to me.

Fair warning: This got really long and rambly. Like, just shy of 1,400 words rambly.

I've been here before, I know where it goes )

And that is me, uh... out of the nutshell. Definitely not in a nutshell. But that's me, and I'm happy to answer any questions you might want to ask (whether from new people or old people) or discuss whatever, whether it's about stuff I said or totally random. Also, if you want to be on filters to see me ramble about creative stuff, health stuff, or spiritual stuff, there is a poll here to fill out.

And yeah, I think that's finally all I got. Open roads?


Apr. 14th, 2017 01:48 pm
balsamandash: (* dragon)
So [profile] thebonesofferalletters got to talking and long story short, I think I'm going to be trying to post more frequently, and use filters more. So since at the moment I have polling abilities, have a poll. Feel free to select all or none or whatever interests you.

Poll #18191 Filterfest 2k17
Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 22

Which filter(s) would you like on?

View Answers

Creative babbling/Writing
20 (90.9%)

20 (90.9%)

18 (81.8%)

13 (59.1%)

Creative babbling/Writing is hopefully going to have a fair bit of worldbuilding and original for a bit, but also has fic ideas and in progress stuff, and hopefully vid/podfic/other things as time goes by.
Spiritual is going to be for religious/magic as I try and work my brain around some advice gotten from a few places lately and figure out where to go from here, plus maybe occasionally some personal tarot stuff.
Health is mental health issues, physical health issues, attempts at self-diagnosis and figuring out brain patterns, coping mechanisms, attempts to track shit, probably some varied self-esteem and identity issues, and anything else health-related that I want to go in-depth on. It may also end up the breakdown filter but I will be cutting and warning for things even though it's opt-in so hopefully it shouldn't be triggery to anyone.
Work is probably not going to be constant-use but will come up occasionally. It's mostly a filter because I don't want work-name stuff linked back to personal-journal stuff; other work stuff might be posted under a general lock but it's there if I feel a need to name names for some reason, or want thoughts on something I may post directly on the site, or whatever else. Because of that, it's the only one I might not add people on if I don't know them well. If you don't know, I do tarot reading, am trying to get into freelance editing, and also do social media and other miscellaneous work for a Wiccan author who happens to be my mother as well.
balsamandash: Abigail Hobbs (Hannibal) from nose to sternum, twisting her fingers together nervously (* nervous hands)
I realize I haven't updated in a while, so, I am alive and I am more or less fine. I am failing to get shit done at every turn so I have very little to say day-to-day, unless you want to hear me ramble about being slowly swallowed whole by Overwatch fandom and being annoyed at my own lack of productivity? Because honestly that's all that's really going on right now. That and a bit of RP.

The big brain-draining learn-all-the-shit project I was working on for my mother is done now, though, so I'm kind of hoping that makes it easier to make myself do the other stuff I need to do now that that's not hanging over me -- on the work level, on the apartment level, on the creative level. And speaking of brain-draining work stuff, mother is signed up to vend at PUF this year, which is both excellent - I REALLY wanted to go, and since I'm manning the table with her, I definitely get to - and terrifying - because she's pushing me to do readings at the table too and ahahah I have no confidence about doing professional readings in person whatsoever and I feel sick every time I think about it. We'll see how that goes.

Going to visit family for a least a couple of days in the middle of the month, because my brother and I are going to Brain Candy live, and it's a couple of days before St Pattys, which is a couple of days before grandmother's birthday, so I will probably end up there for at least one if not both. I would complain more, but corned beef and cabbage makes up for a lot of tension.

That's... basically it for the moment?
balsamandash: Peggy Carter (Agent Carter) running in profile (mcu] a moving target's hard to hit)
  • I am being picked up in about seven and a half hours to spend my weekend with my mother, going back and forth to the theater to try and Wicked tickets via lottery. Should be fun. We've got five shows this weekend, so hopefully one of them will work out. If not, we're hitting it again the third weekend, since they're doing it all month. Fingers crossed, because goddammit, I would like to finally see this show.
  • Then Monday we are seeing my best friend who lives in California and I am so happy, oh god. One day I will be rich and be able to see my best friend more than the once a year she comes to Florida. Right now I will just revel in that day every year as much as I can.
  • I am writing! Sort of! I wrote and I am hoping to write more. I have ~1600 words of Peggy Carter-centric fic for Lupercalia. It wants to become an epic ( my standards, which is like 10k, maybe 15k; I don't think I've ever written fic that long, though, so, eh), but I actually think I might be able to get it done by February 15th and I am kind of enjoying writing it a lot. This is really exciting for me and I'm hoping I can get some more done tonight. (...If anyone thinks this is the kind of thing they might be interested in beta-ing, poke me. Gonna post a proper looking-for-beta if I manage to get it done, but, yeah.)
  • Also, I got distracted for like an hour looking for character names, which is reason enough to link back, shh: Still taking questions for characters. Come help me world-and-character-build. I actually just about have names for everyone involved so I'll probably answer and post that up this weekend.
  • All in all, while I am not doing fantastic -- I've been sick, and brains have been very back and forth -- things are more or less okay, for the moment. Hopefully that holds out for a little while.
balsamandash: Neal Caffrey (White Collar) raising his hand (wc] hands up)
So I am going back through my journal and tagging posts.

This is bringing a lot of old memes back into view.

If you get reaaaaaally old meme responses from me any time in the next month or two, I am very sorry and hoping you enjoy it.
balsamandash: (mcu] put on a show)
Look, look, it's an actual update!

  • Our air is finally fixed! Now if we can just get maintenance to come take a look at the leak in the other side of the apartment we'd be set.

  • I think I am starting to very slowly claw my way out of the absolute rock bottom I felt like I kept landing at for a bit. I'm still not doing great, and every time real life stuff creeps up I still panic, but I feel a little less constantly horrible, so that's something. Things are still kind of awkward and stilted and strange, especially with people, though, so if I sound kind of off, that's why. Ther's con this weekend, followed by Samhain; I'm hoping this helps boost things, but there's also a chance it will screw it up, so we'll see.

  • I cannot shake the voice that says I should try to NaNo, and NaNo properly, this year. It would be really stupid, considering how I still have to do all the stuff I failed to do this month in November, and how I haven't written more than like 5k in a year in years, and how I haven't even tried to do it properly the last few times I did NaNo and I still didn't get anything written past week one, and I have no idea what I would write. (That's kind of a lie, I have a couple of ideas I keep staring at; but the science + magic verse isn't plotted enough, neither is the ghost detective, I feel like I don't have the information or skill for Strangers yet, Sentient Magic shorts don't count as "doing it properly", and while I could steal my plot from a few NaNos back and give Cin and Regan's story a stab, I don't know if that's going to turn out any better than last time.) But I can't stop thinking about it either, which is annoying.

    I don't know, maybe I can turn this into actual productivity with work. Or into rainbowfic shorts. Either way, I'll take it.

  • Book editing is creeping towards done pretty steadily. It might not be out before mom leaves for her retreat first weekend in November, but it should be out before Thanksgiving, so we're on schedule. Then my primary work to-do-list for November, not counting the daily stuff I already do, is: figure out tarot pricing and delivery; set up tarot pages; set up tarot blog and commit to updating it weekly; figure out how to promote that; sign up for elance and a couple other places and start looking for editing/formatting/etc; start figuring out if there's anything else I can do editing-wise.

  • I continue to spend way too much time staring at Youtube, though I've been doing that while doing repetitive copy-past-format stuff, so. I may end up marathon watching Halloween cartoon shorts while I work today, because I'm really in the mood for them. Also been playing games; between Overwatch and Avengers Academy and getting Pokemon Go downloaded again, I've been spending way more time on games than I should be. But the Pokemon Go Halloween event is amazing and I have no regrets and we've actually been out walking around this week and it's actually a decent temperature outside. It's nice.
balsamandash: James Watson (Sanctuary) with his support machine exposed, fiddling with it (san] what is it that runs through you?)
1. I am still alive; I am working away; content editing on my mother's book is underway tonight, and hopefully we're on the fast track to being done, me getting paid, and putting it out. I am at parents for the next couple of days, though, which is less than ideal, but, eh.

2. I have obviously not started OC-tober-ing. I still kind of want to ramble about something writing-related. We'll see what comes of that, if anything.

3. I am currently kind of hooked on Let's Plays, mostly of cooperative games. On the one hand, this is good background noise right now. On the other, damn does it bring back the desire to play a lot of games I can't do because I need people for them. I'm kind of hoping when I can get more into the swing of planning tabletop it takes away some of that feeling, because it makes my brain go kinda weird at times. (Not enough to stop though, so if you happen to have any LPer recs, drop them at me? I don't do horror games, end of story, but I'm pretty open beyond that.)

4. There is a love meme going:
October Love Meme hosted by [personal profile] alexseanchai: my thread
I could kind of use it right now, if anyone's got kind words to spare.

5. Aaand lastly, I am slowly but steadily setting up my phone, so if you happen to have my number - it's the same one, but I lost all my contacts, so if you can text me with who you are, I'd really appreciate it. If you didn't have my number, and you want it, poke me.
balsamandash: River Tam (Firefly) laying on the ground and looking up (ff] ghosts & clouds & nameless things)
Real world is hard to deal with but I live. Moved into the new apartment yesterday. Here with [profile] thebonesofferalletters; third roommate coming next month.

Unpacking is gonna keep me busy but I am okay, more or less.

Calderafest (pagan musical festival) pictures to come sometime soonish. Apartment pictures to maybe happen soonish as well.

Hope you all are well and I love you all. <3
balsamandash: (wtnv] unfulfilled?)
I have spoken to my grandmother, I have talked to my mother, I have laid out my plans.

Tonight (well, 7 am Friday morning when Personnel opens up) I'm putting in my two weeks notice at Walmart.

I am not sure yet if I'm happy or terrified or relieved at the moment, I'm just focusing on trying to talk myself through getting it done.

So, hey:

Apr. 29th, 2016 08:16 am
balsamandash: Prudence (Across the Universe) biting her thumb and looking off to the side (film] it's beautiful and so are you)
I finally told my grandmother I'm moving.

I need to run plans by a few people before I can cement them, but if things work out how I want them, I'll be out of Walmart by mid-May, and moved out of my grandmother's by the 25th, so when I come home from the music festival at the end of May, I will just be able to go home. (And... then we're moving into a new apartment up there immediately but I'd rather have my stuff up there for the short hop to the new place. At least then I don't throw my family into the moving mix, and also I am out.)

I am excited. I am terrified. I am gonna be convinced I'm going to fuck it up somehow until it's actually done. But I finally fucking did it.
balsamandash: James Watson (Sanctuary) with his support machine exposed, fiddling with it (san] what is it that runs through you?)
  • Glasses did not happen, because my goddamn stepfather did not check if I was actually on the insurance or not. Yay. It was a whole clusterfuck and I need him to check with personal this week to see if I can get on the insurance, and if not, I'm gonna have to pay for the exam and glasses out of pocket, which will probably run me in the neighborhood of $100. Could be worse, could also be much better or at least expected and saved for if my stepfather didn't fuck me over.

  • I've taken off the last couple of nights because first there was face/ear pain, and then there was awful cramping. Ugh. I feel better now, except for the inability to sleep, so I should be going in tonight and for the next three days, but the upcoming paycheck's going to be kind of awful. I got my bonus in the one that just came, though, so I should actually get by pretty well.

  • Big sisterthing is coming into town for a week at the end of the month, which may end in taking more days off, cause otherwise I'm working basically the whole time she's here, and nope, not missing my Beth for this shitty, shitty job, screw the money. However, I get a Beth and that is super, ridiculously pleasing.

  • Have basically spent as many weekends as possbile this year with either [profile] thebonesofferalletters, or with [personal profile] mortalcity and [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton. Blood family is hard, people I actually like are asier. I did finally talk things out with my mother, though. There's still stuff she's not quite getting family + mental illness + emotional abuse tws ) but we're talking again and it could be much, much worse.

  • I finally got my ears pierced! After meaning to do so for like. a year. It's very pleasing.

  • When bills ARE paid and I see where finances stand, I need to treat myself somewhere this month to some combo of the following, depending on how much I have left: Black Widow earrings; possibly other ridiculously geeky post earrings; stimtastic goodies; paid DW account; Among the Imposters. Leaving that list here mostly to remind myself of it.

  • I have been keeping up with Habitica for more than a month, give or take about a week spent in the Inn because my schedules were weird. I finally filled out to-dos and habits and sorted things a way I like and while I still am trying to brainstorm dailies, I think it's kinda helping on some things? If nothing else, helping me to start slooowly feeling like less of a failure, by having something to actually show me something is getting done. It's a very slow process, but it's sort of happening. And this is longer than I usually keep up with this stuff, so I'm kinda proud! (I just hit level 10 and get to choose a class when I can decide on one; goofy as this is, if anyone else is on the site and wants to start a party/has a party to join, poke me? Quests look like fun and more motivation to keep up with things is always good.)

  • Writing is still. really goddamn hard. Taking on a GYWO challenge to try and manage 2,100 words this week, which will be more than I've managed in total... um, this year to date. Longer back than that, really. Sigh. I did manage to get about 6 tags banged out in the last 3 days. Considering how thoroughly and how long words have been near-impossible, I'm trying to remind myself that that's pretty good. I still plan on getting back to all the memes I've failed at lately, anything resembling creativity has just been difficult for a while.

  • I finally got all my bookmarks from years and years and years and multiple google accounts together in one place, so the Great Bookmark Sort begins this week. I am thinking of making a recs journal, even though I admittedly crashed very quickly last time I tried it; there may also be link-sharing posts here occasionally with stuff that is not quite rec-like, but I feel needs sharing.

  • I've commented on almost nothing lately, but I AM reading along, and I love you all. That said, I've been distracted and not always having reading comprehension, so if there's anything you want to make sure I saw, uh, link me? Or if you just want to pop by here and be loved on directly. That is good too. I'm a little disconnected at the moment, and having people is really nice, when I can make myself reach out to them. (I could be doing worse on that front. See aforementioned note about spending weekends with people who actually care, rather than family.)
balsamandash: (Default)
I could try and say a lot of things about 2015, but all I can really say is it felt like someone hit the pause button in a lot of ways. Quite a bit happened around me, but nothing really feels like it happened to me. I didn't do anything. I didn't gain any momentum. I just crawled along end to end, misstepping all along the way.

I could also lay down a lot of expectations, hopes, and ideas for next year -- I really did consider making a whole list of resolutions for once -- but I think the only really important thing is this: I want, I hope, I need not to let fear stop me as much this year.

Because that's really where it all chokes up. There's a whole host of issues behind it, but it all comes out afraid. Fear of disappointing family. Fear of making myself look stupid. Fear of failing. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of making things worse. Fear of doing it wrong. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of putting myself out there. Fear of doing things in case someone turns around and says I don't deserve to. Fear of wanting things in case someone turns around and says I don't deserve to. Fear of setting boundaries in case someone turns around and says I don't deserve them. Fear of annoying people. Fear of making myself a nuisance.

I am afraid pretty much all the time, and I'm not hoping it goes away, I'm just hoping to learn to get past it a little better than I have in the past.

Happy new year. I'm lucky to have all of you, and I hope everyone's year gets better.
balsamandash: (s] the world drifts by)
So I'm alive? I sort of... didn't touch my computer for anything but ordering food for over a week. Honestly, my computer is so fucking slow lately I don't want to be on it, and that's not helping, but. I am trying to get around that and exist again. I need to go back and finish the questions from the last post, but we'll see when that happens.

Standard "I haven't been reading, drop me links if I missed something" disclaimers apply, with a special request: If you're doing OC-tober and want to drop me a link to your tag, or just pipe up and say "I am doing the thing" so I can go through and find the posts, please do so? I definitely want to go back and read everyone's, so that would be neat.

On related notes, my next six weeks or so writing wise: I am not doing NaNo. It kind of hurts to just straight-out not do it, but I just don't have the brain. I am also not doing OC-tober, obviously. Instead, I think I am going to attempt to post character profiles through November, and try to spend the month writing up those, cast lists, worldbuilding info, etc, for various original verses (and maybe some bits for some of the more epic fics I want to write) -- basically all the organizational shit I'm terrible at writing down. Most of it will probably end up on universe comms; some might be on writing filter; some may be public. I'll post a list of links and an opt-in reminder before November starts so that anyone wants to follow can do so.

Which is not to say I won't be trying to write at all, I just won't be trying to hit word counts so much as I will be trying to write something. I have a thought for rainbowfic stuff I think me and Bast are gonna try and be doing when I can clear out a color, and that's exciting, and in general, writing would be nice.

There's other stuff going on, but I just... don't have much to actually say. I just need to try and actually exist on the internet again. It is kind of hard, but I'm working on it.
balsamandash: quote:"I am a reformed vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of repressed instincts held together by spit and coffee." (book] reformed vampire)
Hi, I'm alive. I've kind of dropped off the face of the internet for a little while. Work has been hell -- severely dropped my hours, and then when I am there they usually have me running around four different departments -- and time has been weird. I still need to write.

I did spend my weekend finally listening to music that I've been meaning to. I got through Hamilton (fun, enjoyable, never getting Wait For It out of my head again) and The Devil's Carnival: Alleluia! (saving verdict for when I see the movie, never getting Songs of Old out of my head again); I failed to get through Fun Home (I just didn't like it, which makes me sad); I may listen to a couple of other things tonight. Or maybe I will actually do something. It's up in the air right now.

Beginning of October is going to be busy; Sunday is Devil's Carnival, then three days of work, then con weekend, which I am both nervous about and looking forward to. Hopefully it will be good. I have my fingers crossed.

That's about all that's happened? I developed a possibly unhealthy obsession with a video game and my family continues to be... my family. That's really all I got, guys.

I've been failing to read, so let me know if I missed anything? Or just tell me how you are. That would work too.
balsamandash: (s] some ghost of me would be here)
Hi, still alive. Making a concerted effort to be more existent. We'll see if it works. List form because lists are easier on tired Augusts.

  • Was away with Bast the past couple of days for my weekend, so that was good. I don't feel better, exactly, but I feel like I recharged for forcing it for a little longer. So that's... something, right? That's more doable, anyway.

  • Still wanting to write, still not entirely sure I'm capable of it. I'm eyeing basically everything with the same mix of half-bouncy "waaaaaaaaaant" and desire to cry. Which is at least better than just the desire to cry?

  • Also I need to focus on D&D things at some point in the next couple of days before/after work, so I can run a game Monday. I have SO MANY OVERARCHING PLANS for this campaign and NOT ENOUGH PARTICULARS. I don't suppose anyone wants to be rambled at as I try to find something that might be fun for my group, would they...? (Unfortunately my default ramble-at-er is IN my group. Sigh. How I make things hard on myself.)

  • Work is not going to be fun but back-to-school week is just about over and that's kind of cheering to think about. The crowds might actually go down some after this coming weekend. Thank goodness. And there's pizza tonight, so I don't have to spend money for food!

  • Entire family is at my grandmother's for a day or two, because my mother's internet is down and she works from home. Sans stepfather, at least, but ugh, so many people. And family stuff is just kind of... weird right now, so.

  • Con is looking likelier and likelier. And that's not a BAD thing, I'm actually kind of looking forward to it, but I am now getting that weird back-and-forth on cosplay that I always get before con. I want to do the thing, I just... know I probably won't, for a few reasons. And it makes me sad.

  • I am finally remembering to charge my kindle! Next step: Spending the gift card that's been sitting around. Because there are Seanan things I don't have. and/or Boy Meets Boy. I will figure it out this weekend. >>
balsamandash: (Default)
I'm still alive! I'm having serious, overwhelming fatigue/pain/heart going wrong/breathing wrong issues most of the time, so I'm basically sleeping when not at work. But it's my weekend, and I'm leaving for [profile] thebonesofferalletters as soon as I can, so hopefully the next couple of days will be better.

I need to make clinic appointments, Medical stuff (hypothesis and worry, no real info yet). )

Other than that, I've got nothing but tired. Tired and love for everyone still dealing with my radio-near-silence. I'm reading, I've just got very little to say.
balsamandash: (. unfulfilled?)
Hi I'm alive. Exhausted but alive. List form is easier than talking.

> Work is hard. Family is harder. Friends are not exactly hard but I don't entirely feel like I deserve them or have anything to say. This is about where I'm at right now.
> Brains are not a great thing but I am trying really hard not to continuously lose my shit. It's not... entirely working, but.
> I am going to the festival this coming week. I have 9 days off, five of which will be on the road/at the campsite. I'm hoping this does good things for my brain.
> I am also hoping this does good things for my attempts to do some religious thinking. Hopefully expect the religious filter to actually get use following this. Hopefully.
> Writing is really hard. I have an idea for Queers Destroy Fantasy, and I really badly want to write it in time, I'm just... not sure if I will. (Also I have to figure out if I am allowed to set a story in a recognizable store line, or if I should just change it to a Savemart or something in initial writing and save myself the headache.) (Also also, why does this story want to be set locally, I don't like my local area.)


balsamandash: (Default)
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