balsamandash: (s] circle of keys)
Have I ever mentioned that [profile] thebonesofferalletters is amazing, and wonderful, and way more patient with and willing to deal with my brain spirals than I really deserve, considering how hard I am to get through to when I get twisted up?

Because they really are, okay. They really are, and I would be way, way worse off without them.

(This week needs to end already. I am done with it and I am done with my brain's shit.)
balsamandash: (com] ace of hearts)
So I spent all yesterday in pain and feeling like shit, and today I still feel grumpy and awful, but there is work to be done and I'm trying to make myself do it.

In mostly unrelated news, every member of my family older than me is exhausting to deal with this week, and I am about ready to yell at them all.

However, Bast is amazing and I am lucky they're willing to not only deal with my grumpy and sadness but try and help me get my shit together and actually get stuff done. Even if I fail at actually doing so.

This space may turn into a ta-done or to-do list later. For right now I am just waving tiredly at everyone.

EDIT: ... I somehow fucked up the computer trying to plug in my headphones and I had to fuck with it trying to get to the battery. I got it up again, but it was like an hour, it was stressful, I still have to do work which is also stressful, and I really just want to either nap or burrow in distractions for the day.

Fuck today, man.

Hugs would be really appreciated.
balsamandash: Gillian Owens (Practical Magic) looking down, seeming upset (pm] she'll hang on like hell)
There's a love meme going on; I have a thread, if anyone wants to leave love.

I am trying to find my brain and do things. It is... not working very well. Brains want to go downhill, but I'm trying to keep afloat. There are many things to do this week, so we'll see how it works.

I will Tarot tomorrow. It's a weird night.
balsamandash: James Watson (Sanctuary) with his support machine exposed, fiddling with it (san] what is it that runs through you?)
I am tired, and am probably not going to exist talkatively on the internet for a little while, because I need what few spoons I have left for other stuff. Not going to be talking about things, because again, spoons are already allotted. So I'm just going to offer empathy, understanding, and love in this moment, and then hibernate a little until either things seem less overwhelming, or the current busy period passes over and I can try to deal with it.
balsamandash: picture from Hyperbole and a Half, text: "my fish are dead" (haah] my fish are dead)
Our air is being screwed up, my brain is being screwed up, and I'm technically supposed to get a shit-ton of things done by the 28th.

The only thing I really want to do with my life right now is play Overwatch badly and ignore the world, to be honest.
balsamandash: quote:"I am a reformed vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of repressed instincts held together by spit and coffee." (book] reformed vampire)
Hi, I'm alive. I don't have much besides that right now, to be honest. Not in the greatest of brainspace, but I live.

Birthday was yesterday; spent Fri-Sat with family to celebrate. I own a drum now. It is very exciting.

Still trying to unpack everything. And clean everything. And do everything. And wanting to sleep forever. Tarot post still needs to come because money is hard and makes me want to cry, but all my cards are still packed, because all my stuff is still packed.

I am alive. That's all I really can offer tonight. I'll try to say something on a better night soon.
balsamandash: picture from Hyperbole and a Half, text: "my fish are dead" (haah] my fish are dead)
I didn't say anything before because I usually don't when things happen, but I feel like I need to make the disclaimer.

Look, I am a queer person two hours away from Orlando. I am pretty open about my queerness, I just moved in with my partner, I have been to Pride events in Tampa/St Pete area a few times, I've been to Orlando regularly, and while I've never really considered doing nightclubs, I've considered doing other LGBT events around there.

Orlando has me kind of fucked up right now, and I'm not really going to be talking about it in public, replying if other people bring it up, or really interacting with the news in any way.

I promise lack of visible reaction is not lack of caring, but I just can't handle it.
balsamandash: (* running out of veins)
I am still alive. I... don't have much more than that to say. I am still alive. I am trying really hard to get back to meme stuff I've posted recently, but brains are thin on the ground. I have a glasses appointment tomorrow morning. Finally. That's really all I got.

Things I need to do with my days off this week:
> Figure out what the hell I'm doing with moving/jobs/everything.
> Taxes.
> Write, maybe. I WANT to write things, but my brain is fighting me. All I want to write is fanfic with ridiculous, probably overdone premises and my brain says there's no reason to actually write that. So. (Don't even talk to me about original fiction. Ugh. That's even more worthless uses of my time.)
> Not be completely useless for once.

We'll see how any of it goes.
balsamandash: picture from Hyperbole and a Half, text: "my fish are dead" (haah] my fish are dead)
So let me state for the record that I am alive and trying to work my way back to responding to comments/meme prompts on my last few posts. Sorry. I'm kind of useless right now.

Also I am broker than I have been in. A very long time. And this is partly because I gave up on fucks and bought many many things I did not need lately. If I had energy, I might feel bad about this. As it is I just don't... feel much.

I'm in a really weird state the past couple of days and I am. not sure why. I honestly might have accidentally sort of triggered myself and I'm not sure that is... actually over let alone recovered from. But that doesn't really help me get back to normal so I don't think it really matters as much as making myself be normal.

I don't know. Main point is I'm alive. I'm going to try to go back to bed now.
balsamandash: Prudence (Across the Universe) biting her thumb and looking off to the side (* hide away)
Well, this week has been. A week. The world is weird right now, both because of non-personal stuff (RIP to Bowie and Rickman; I don't have words to say how weird it is to know they're not there) and personal stuff. Long story short, family bullshit happened. So much family bullshit, and I'm not speaking to my mother right now.

I am alive. I am gonna try and get back to both kink and ten-sentence fic prompts, so if anyone wants to drop me more feel free, because god I need to write. (I am about 2k behind on GYWO, which is not terrible but god, I should not be behind when today's total is supposed to be barely over 3k.) I want to go catch up on Snowflake but I feel awkward since it's technically ending today, so we'll see.

I... do not really have anything else to say. Mostly I'm just tired. But I'm still here.
balsamandash: (s] some ghost of me would be here)
My life is being tired and still not taking steps to sleep as much as I should despite that. That's all I got. I am slowly crawling towards job stuff when I am awake enough to take care of it. (I am not right now becasue I've tried to sleep three times since 8 am and failed each time and I slept less than two hours yesterday.) And way behind on my gift acquiring. And... existing. My existing is not working very well.

My brain is latching onto weird things and I don't know what do with it, too.

I don't know. Consider this your "I'm alive".
balsamandash: Abigail Hobbs (Hannibal) from nose to sternum, twisting her fingers together nervously (* nervous hands)
So I broke my phone in a fit of angry stupid, I spent Sunday knocked down with an ear infection that still isn't gone away, I've been stupid with my money and buying things I want and suddenly I feel really guilty for it, and everything just kind of feels like a mess. I want to do creative things, but work has wrung every last drop of everything from me right now. I'm worn so thin and so numb at the same time; it's like I keep getting bursts of sick and twitchy and upset and angry, and then they just get smothered in the ever-present exhaustion.

And ... yeah, that's all I got. I'm working on not being useless, it's just not going very well lately.
balsamandash: (dw] to withstand the world)
I am exhausted, I have spent two weeks straight running my head in circles around the (complete separate, in this instance, I should note) subjects of abuse and religion, I am desperate for connection but don't remember how to talk, I'm sore, and nothing I want to do seems worth doing.

I am tired. I feel burn out. It's hard to force anything more than a blank look onto my face and I have to do it eight hours a night most nights.

I don't know why I'm saying this. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm really tired.
balsamandash: Abigail Hobbs (Hannibal) from nose to sternum, twisting her fingers together nervously (* nervous hands)
Things are really, really Not Okay, and I'm either going to disappear for a while or be around a lot just to try and not think, I don't know what way it's going to end yet. I've spent three days thinking about family, abuse, shades of grey, boundaries, safety, and when I needed a break from the bad heavy, it keeps swinging into religion and gods. Because what I need is more heavy stuff to think about. Even if I kind of understand why it's doing this.

My head's in a fucked-up place right now, I work tonight, and I don't know what to do with... anything. All I really want is to go hide under a bed, or alternatively, hide out somewhere isolated where I can belt until I stop feeling like I'm going to throw up and instead my throat hurts. I do not get either of those things right now.
balsamandash: (. keep calm... nope)
I'm not posting it because I feel weird, but a brief haiku on how things are right now:

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
HOLY FUCKING FUCK. GOD. FUCK.
/sound of endless screams


So yes. I'm alive. And if anyone has hugs or happy distracting things to give, dear goddess, I could use them right now.
balsamandash: picture from Hyperbole and a Half, text: "my fish are dead" (haah] my fish are dead)
To anyone who commented yesterday: I'm too tired to say it properly, but thank you.

I am... not okay. But I am less wild and less pent-up. I'm just tired. Numb and drained and tired and numb is kind of starting to fade into worse but I'm going to be before it can go the rest of the way. Everything hurts and things went really down and I don't know why. Maybe it's the abrupt change of schedule and uptick of hours I can expect to be out a day. Maybe it's the fucked up sleep schedule. Maybe it's just bad brains. It really sucks, because things were vaguely clawing their way to decent again, but now this.

I'm not making a lot of sense. I'm just really tired. And I still want to do creative things but I'm past the point of feeling like I should be allowed to, because they're all going to be terrible anyway. So. That's something, at least.
balsamandash: (misc] you have died from fail)
So con is apparently happening this year, which means I get to play the fun yearly game of "Do I cosplay? What would I even cosplay? Can I do closet cosplay/lowkey cosplay, or am I just going to feel like even more of an idiot than I would dressed up properly? I'm probably not going to cosplay and hate myself for it, aren't I?"

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate this fucking game? Because I really hate this game.
balsamandash: Abigail Hobbs (Hannibal) from nose to sternum, twisting her fingers together nervously (han] what a year and what a night)
I actually, stupidly thought I was getting to a decent point again. I even managed to deal with a lot of people in my space last night without getting too anxious. And now I crashed hard enough that dragging myself back out of this bed is going to make me cry. And obsessively fixating on my failure to be decent at words all over again.

I'm so fucking sick of everything.
balsamandash: picture from Hyperbole and a Half, text: "my fish are dead" (haah] my fish are dead)
And then I had to spend the night in stationary area.

Which right now - between the notebooks, the paper crafting supplies, the sewing stuff, and the jewlery stuff - just feels like a parade of shit Id like to do and never will have my head together for.

So done with total creative block. So done with so many things. Like fucking Walmart.

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