There's bound to be a ghost at the back of your closet, no matter where you live

[balsamandash]

Things that are still hard: Being alive.

I'm working on that, though. I'm going to talk to my mother. I'm going to put in for jobs so I can move and I can quit. I think I'm going to sit down and seriously decide if I need to temporarily wash my hands of writing -- and not in the "I suck, I just need to quit" way, in a "wow, I need to settle my head on my life circumstances and taking the stress off myself to commit words for a while might help" kind of way, and see if I can find a way to forgive myself not trying til things get fixed.

I'm going to do it, and I swear to god I give everyone permission to yell at me til I actually do it this week. Because I have to. I really have to, or I don't know how much longer I'm going to get by without an actual breakdown.

(This post brought to you by a long night at work being the one to run the walkie-talkie and the announcement system while fighting my brain to keep from going nonverbal, a long week of trying not to cry at work, and a long however-the-fuck-it's-been-I-honestly-don't-know of depression and anxiety beating me over the head.)

Comments

[silveradept]

Brains. I might say that "fuck't" permission could extend out to anything not necessary for staying alive, so that you can deal with a minimal instruction set.

[balsamandash]

Brains are dumb. Which, on the same note, that's... not actually something I think I know how to do, but I'm working on it. (my brain gets too paranoid over all the things I'll have to just do later! and what about the things people will get disappointed about! you're not allowed to disappoint people! think of the people! think of the fact that you should! you're not actually doing that much in the first place anyway! ... my brain is very loud right now. I need to get it to shut up so I can sleep.)

[silveradept]

Unless brain enjoys total breakdown, it should be vulnerable to the idea that rest is needed, as well as prioritization, to ensure breakdown doesn't happen. If it needs an external source, you have both permission and orders to say "fuck't" to all things unnecessary to survival until the brain can resume normal activity.