you're bound too fast, you're bound to grieve; but you're built to balance on two feet

[balsamandash]

I could try and say a lot of things about 2015, but all I can really say is it felt like someone hit the pause button in a lot of ways. Quite a bit happened around me, but nothing really feels like it happened to me. I didn't do anything. I didn't gain any momentum. I just crawled along end to end, misstepping all along the way.

I could also lay down a lot of expectations, hopes, and ideas for next year -- I really did consider making a whole list of resolutions for once -- but I think the only really important thing is this: I want, I hope, I need not to let fear stop me as much this year.

Because that's really where it all chokes up. There's a whole host of issues behind it, but it all comes out afraid. Fear of disappointing family. Fear of making myself look stupid. Fear of failing. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of making things worse. Fear of doing it wrong. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of putting myself out there. Fear of doing things in case someone turns around and says I don't deserve to. Fear of wanting things in case someone turns around and says I don't deserve to. Fear of setting boundaries in case someone turns around and says I don't deserve them. Fear of annoying people. Fear of making myself a nuisance.

I am afraid pretty much all the time, and I'm not hoping it goes away, I'm just hoping to learn to get past it a little better than I have in the past.

Happy new year. I'm lucky to have all of you, and I hope everyone's year gets better.

Comments

[longmagpieroads]

Lucky to have had you too, darling.

[silveradept]

I'm sure someone would say something about fear being the mind killer, but I really hope that you can manage the fear so that it's not so disabling this year.

[bookblather]

I'm lucky to have you too. *hugs* Fear stops me all the time, too. Maybe we can both be brave this year.