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Jan. 15th, 2015 03:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
balsamandashI'm tired of being useless. I'm tired of doing nothing. I'm tired of not having any ability to focus on or start things even when I feel like I could do them.
I'm tired of being convinced I'll never get more than two hours away from this place that I hate. I'm tired of not just being convinced but outright knowing I'll never do anything more with my life than I am right now. I'm tired of going quickly and constantly between being too tired to want anything or care that I can't manage a fucking thing, and wanting things so badly and knowing I'll never get them with such certainty I start crying with absolutely no stops at anything in between.
I'm tired of writing letters and framing conversations that I will never have the guts to make reality in my head. I'm tired of being in pain and being too worn down to do anything that might make it better. I'm tired of going between being scared that something's going to turn out really wrong and hoping for it because it'll be one step closer to not having to deal with the world anymore.
I'm tired of feeling like I have almost nothing and what things I do have are going to get taken away from me when people realize I'm such a useless fucking coward that I don't deserve it. I'm tired of feeling completely alone almost all of the time. I'm tired of having a quiet, neverending loop of all the reasons I deserve to be alone and lose everything in the back of my head at all times.
I'm tired of dragging myself out of bed every day. I'm tired of having my brain remind me that if I can drag myself out of bed and not totally fuck up my responsibilities, I have nothing wrong with me. I'm tired of wishing I had the strength to step in front of a bus and be done with it.
I'm tired of being tired and barely being able to sleep even with medication. I'm tired of being terrified every fucking moment of every day. I'm tired of being too tired to save money and too scared of it to even blow it on things I want, so it all trickles away on stupid fucking shit. I'm tired of having wanderlust and knowing I'll never act on it. I'm tired of thinking because it never does me any favors.
I just want to sleep, and I want to fuck everything and stop getting up, but I'll never do that. Because I'm too scared of letting things lapse and paying for the consequences, and because I have too much control over myself, which means I can't really be as bad off as I apparently want people to think judging by how I can never shut up. Everything's a mess and I'm never going to do anything I want to or anything I was supposed to or anything people expect of me. And I don't have enough energy to make anything better. I never do.
I'm tired of being convinced I'll never get more than two hours away from this place that I hate. I'm tired of not just being convinced but outright knowing I'll never do anything more with my life than I am right now. I'm tired of going quickly and constantly between being too tired to want anything or care that I can't manage a fucking thing, and wanting things so badly and knowing I'll never get them with such certainty I start crying with absolutely no stops at anything in between.
I'm tired of writing letters and framing conversations that I will never have the guts to make reality in my head. I'm tired of being in pain and being too worn down to do anything that might make it better. I'm tired of going between being scared that something's going to turn out really wrong and hoping for it because it'll be one step closer to not having to deal with the world anymore.
I'm tired of feeling like I have almost nothing and what things I do have are going to get taken away from me when people realize I'm such a useless fucking coward that I don't deserve it. I'm tired of feeling completely alone almost all of the time. I'm tired of having a quiet, neverending loop of all the reasons I deserve to be alone and lose everything in the back of my head at all times.
I'm tired of dragging myself out of bed every day. I'm tired of having my brain remind me that if I can drag myself out of bed and not totally fuck up my responsibilities, I have nothing wrong with me. I'm tired of wishing I had the strength to step in front of a bus and be done with it.
I'm tired of being tired and barely being able to sleep even with medication. I'm tired of being terrified every fucking moment of every day. I'm tired of being too tired to save money and too scared of it to even blow it on things I want, so it all trickles away on stupid fucking shit. I'm tired of having wanderlust and knowing I'll never act on it. I'm tired of thinking because it never does me any favors.
I just want to sleep, and I want to fuck everything and stop getting up, but I'll never do that. Because I'm too scared of letting things lapse and paying for the consequences, and because I have too much control over myself, which means I can't really be as bad off as I apparently want people to think judging by how I can never shut up. Everything's a mess and I'm never going to do anything I want to or anything I was supposed to or anything people expect of me. And I don't have enough energy to make anything better. I never do.
