balsamandash | like lonely ghosts at a roadside cross (Reply)

welcome to what is scarily close to becoming a regular edition of "august thinks too goddamn much". I'm so sorry.

I am trying to look at my universes and worldbuild and find the stories that could actually be written like a proper story in them and the ones worth writing. I see maybe two if I stretch. And I just keep coming back to the thought that I am not really a writer. And I don't know what to do with that. I'm too tired to even be sad about it, I just... don't know.

I am trying to gather a list of health things to keep track of and I feel like none of it's worth it. None of it matters. There's nothing actually wrong with me anyway and even if there is, I will never be able to afford to get any of it taken care of, so why bother writing it down?

I am trying to make lists to help me go looking at gods and religion and it's all.... shortcircuiting. I try to think of what I need. And I don't think I know. I'm hitting a mental block when I try to think about that area of my life and that one actually is just making me sad right now.

I have wanderlust so bad I could honestly scream and even if I can maybe believe I can manage the strength to get out of this house, I honestly don't believe I will ever get more than an hour from this neighborhood I've bounced back and forth in for the last fifteen years right now, and that hurts. And I just want to be away from here for a little while. It's been fifteen fucking years and I haven't been more than two hours away. Not even for a day, an hour. A fucking hour somewhere I haven't seen before and that doesn't feel like an extension of this city that I have never wanted to be in, why is that so goddamn much to ask?

I am so tired and I don't deserve to sleep but it's all I want. I drained away most of my weekend doing nothing and when I get up I'll probably have to sink the last of it into cleaning and I should try to do something with my time instead of sleep. But I'm so, so tired, and nothing I do is worth it anyway.

edit: And now I have to go run around to banks today so I need to decide if I want to go before I sleep or make myself wake up hours ahead of schedule so I can shower and go before the bank closes, and, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to afford bus fare across the bay next weekend. just. fucking perfect, oh yeah.