balsamandash | Entries tagged with mental: checking in from spoonless city

My hand hurts, my brain hurts, and I don't want to get out of bed. What I do want is to write. But that will kill my ability to function such as it exists. So I can't.

And people need to stop telling me to go to the doctor. I can't, and it's not helping my paranoia.

ETA: Tonight's mantra: Other people's pain does not invalidate my own, even if it's worse. Specifically, other people's pain is no reason to say mine can't affect me and stop trying to move in ways that don't irritate it. Working in ways that account and compensate for my own pain does not make me a bad person or worker.

I do not believe believe any of it but I'm trying.

Yeah, so here I am again. I'm sorry. Please god, do feel free to just ignore me until I can stop being a miserable bitch. (Or forever. I don't know if I'm ever going to stop being a miserable bitch.)

I'm just tired. And sick. And going back to work makes me want to cry. I see fucking Walmart when I close my eyes and I am so, so ready to quit and I don't think I ever can. And I think I've just given up on writing completely. And I can't bring myself to do anything else. Or believe that I deserve to eat. Or... anything.

I don't know. I keep thinking maybe I'll have something new to say. But I don't. But it's this or someone has to deal with me full-force and in a way that's not ignorable. And that's not fair. So here I am. And I'm sorry. I don't blame you if you're sick of me. I'm sick of me too.

My night so far:
> Slept through my alarms, woke up at 7:15
> Got on the bus to parents at 7:45
> Started crying before I got off the bus
> Stopped crying for about twenty minutes, long enough to eat
> Started crying again, hard enough that my parents convinced me to call out, because I'm pretty sure I'd have just ended up sobbing through my shift if I didn't

So, yeah. Guess who's not working tonight after all?

I am at parents, stealing my mother's computer while she watches horror movies. I still kind of feel like crying and like I went through the wringer, but I calmed down some and watching Midnight Hour distracted me.

I still want to hit things over NaNo, I still feel like I'm mostly missing my holiday, but I don't think I'm going on another two-hour crying jag, so.

I have no costume even though work allows us to wear costumes, because I just don't have the fucking energy to figure one out; I may or may not even get my beef stew in lieu of an actual Samhain celebration, because I just don't have the fucking energy to go to my family's and not break down crying when I have to leave; and I'm pretty much skipping NaNo entirely for the first time in eleven years, because I don't have the fucking energy to write no matter how much skipping it makes me want to be sick.

Happy fucking holiday, can it please be over already so I can stop thinking about how much this year's sucks and maybe don't start screaming at work?

EDIT: Someone please remind me that not doing NaNo is the smart, rational, adult thing to do this year, and trying to cram planning into it in the rest of this day, half of which I have to sleep during, is a stupid, ridiculous idea. Because yes, the sheer fact that I am skipping all of this is possibly going to make me cry for the next week ro two, but I'm pretty sure trying will give me a nervous breakdown, so I should really, really not try.

I just. Really hate that I'm not doing. Oh god do I hate that I'm not doing it. And maybe if I was doing the holiday or at least a fucking costume I could balance that out, but right now I just... hate everything, so, so much..

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i'm building a body where our design has failed

now there's nowhere to go but go back, go back, go back

Entries tagged with mental: checking in from spoonless city

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February 2020

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