blood on the sea, take me away, make nothing of me

[balsamandash]

Notes to self and things to remember:

• Three(?) years ago the doctor called it chronic pain. It wasn't as bad then as it was now, but she asked about the pain in your back and your legs and listened to you describe it as best you could and she called it chronic pain. That was your permission.


• When the ear infections have repeatedly been so bad you spend days at a time sobbing and screaming, and you've made yourself sick from not being able to eat or sleep or stand for days at a time, they count. When they've been so bad you end up screaming and drooling like a child because you can't stand to swallow, they count.


• When you told your mother you thought you had OCD, she pointed out all the things that made it make sense. It was years ago and you're not sure it's an accurate diagnosis anymore, but she saw those symptoms when you were twelve; you're not making them up.


• When you mentioned you can't stand jeans anymore, your mother said you've always been picky with textures, even as a kid. You're not making it up just because it's gotten different or worse.


• Restless and inable to focus is a symptom of depression.


• Your heart races for no reason. Sometimes you have to remind yourself how to breathe. When you do, you have to wait for something to steal your attention to stop focusing on it. I don't know what this means but it's a fact. You're not making it up.


• When you were sixteen/seventeen you talked about having trouble meeting your teacher's eyes in classes.


• The rare desire to own a dress or paint your nails does not mean you have to be a girl.


• There is more than one way to be a witch. You can take a break from practice without having to unroot yourself.


• You are allowed to say "I'm not sure if you want me around right now, can you please reassure me that I'm not annoying you by existing". It's hard to say, but you are allowed if you can ever get the guts.


• You are allowed to apologize. There are people who let you apologize as many times as you need to.


• "Aren't you ever tired?" and "She's always so happy" do not have to be compliments or validation. You don't have to feel bad for wanting to cry because people buy into your act.


• You can be depressed even if you can get out of bed. You can be depressed even if you get to work nine days out of ten. You can be depressed if you can clamp down on it so hard that nobody sees.


• Just because you think you could hide it completely if you tired a little harder doesn't mean you have to do it. That's a good way to spiral completely out of bounds.


• You are going to survive today, whether it feels like it right now or not.

still adding:

• People in your life/in your workspace with worse issues than you do not invalidate the fact that you have issues at all. People with issues who cope better than you do and achieve/accomplish more/whine less do not mean yours don't count.

Comments

[teaotter]

All of these things, so much yes.

[balsamandash]

<333

[rootsofthestories]

I am pathetically proud of you for making this. All of these things are true. I love you, you're wonderful and you will survive.

[rootsofthestories]

Also, I don't know if I am one oft he people you are wondering about re: potentially being annoying/not wanting you to be around them but I am more than happy to have you. <3 I'm vaguely distracted while i write on an doff but I am happy to have you.

[balsamandash]

I'm still working on the believing it, but. Writing it like it's at someone else helps, kind of. It's easier to believe it for someone else.

And not exactly? At least, not at the moment? I still worry that I'm annoying you but I know you'd rather have me around even when I'm annoying, if that makes sense.

<33333

[rootsofthestories]

it makes sense, I just also know brains suck and I was not sure how much yours was letting you remember that I love you and want you no matter what.

[bookblather]

Yes, to all of these things. So much yes.

[balsamandash]

<3333333

[umadoshi]

These are all true things, and I hope writing them down does help you believe them, or come closer to believing them. *hugs*

[balsamandash]

It's not great, but it's a little closer than it was, so. I'm working on it. I'm just not very good at giving myself allowances.

*lots of hugs*

[shipwreck_light]

People in your life/in your workspace with worse issues than you do not invalidate the fact that you have issues at all. People with issues who cope better than you do and achieve/accomplish more/whine less do not mean yours don't count.

I am so glad you added this. It's so true.

*LOTS AND LOTS OF HUGS*

Now, go forth and remember it. You are amazing. Please remember that.

[balsamandash]

It's a thing I REALLY need to keep telling myself and fail to actually drill into my brain. There are a lot of people who get put in the "worse off than me and doing better" category, and my brain thinks that as long as anyone's still in that category, I have nothing to complain about.

I'm working on it, but... yeah.

*so many hugs. All the hugs* Thank you, dear. You are wonderful.

[silveradept]

These things are true, and hopefully they will be remembered at the right times to be useful.