(no subject)

[balsamandash]

So I made a filter from the last post entirely intending to get out some thought about the polybigbang fic (which... I need to stop referring to as that, considering I'm a year out from that fest).... and then I tried to get it out. And I felt like throwing up. And the same thoughts are still bouncing around in my head, but the idea of getting them down? Of even thinking too hard on them? Feels like I'm fucking up somehow.

And I keep staring at rainbowfic but there is not a single thing about any original verses that seems to be remotely worth putting into words, so I'm just ... going to let the entire fucking event pass me by once again.

I'm tired. I'm really fucking tired and I really miss the point in my life when writing was a thing I could do. Even if I hated it. I could actually do it. Sometimes I maybe saw something salvagable, even if I could never get it into words right.

All I can really do right now is play with stupid internet games and dragons and occasionally stare at a tv if the thing on it doesn't have a plot. I am nothing but utterly hopeless and exhausted when I think about anything. I am constantly in pain. I am constantly tired and I can never sleep and never convince myself I deserve to sleep. And I hate every single thing about myself so much that I want things to hurt more because that's the only thing I deserve.

And I can't shake the feeling that I'm doing all this to myself, that if I'd only try harder, be better, stop fucking up and stop allowing myself to fail that I'd be fine, that the pain and the freezing and the down thoughts and every single part of it is just my own fucking fault so I should suck it up, stop complaining, and just do it right.

Comments

[recessional]

All I can really do right now is play with stupid internet games and dragons and occasionally stare at a tv if the thing on it doesn't have a plot.

I have been there, 900%. I am sorry. *shares tea*

[teaotter]

*hugs*

Yeah, I know that cycle, where I'm sure it's all my fault because I'm just not trying hard enough. That really, really sucks.

[umadoshi]

That's beyond rough. I'm so sorry your brain is messing with you like that. *hugs*

[silveradept]

If games are what you can do, then games it is. Even if there's more that you want to do, there's no fault in only doing what you can. Cycles and all that.