Every morning starts with a dark room and an ominous door, and there's no such thing as not choosing

[balsamandash]

I think that I thought maybe untangling the various threads of what is blocking me might make it easier to figure out what, exactly, to do about it. But the more I try to unravel it, first of all the more threads there are mixed in, and the more threads there are that I have no idea how to do anything about.

If it was just no ideas then maybe, maybe I could figure something out, or at least I might feel less restless and twitchy about how little gets done, but instead it's:

> Too many ideas when not actively trying to do anything, and then completely blanking on any of them when actually able to act on them, only to get them back as soon as I've lost the chance or given up
> When the ideas do come when something can be done with them, there's too many of them at once, and sorting them out to pick one feels impossible; having someone else pick one/randomizing somehow just ends in blanking out entirely on what to do with the idea that gets picked and we're back to point one
> When one idea gets isolated, actually beginning it seems overwhelming and impossible and there's no way to figure out where to start
> When there is somewhere to start, it's awful and horrible and somehow wrong every time, so it gets scrapped and then a new way never comes
> Fear of failure, even if it's something that can't technically be failed at. (You can't really fail at googling shit, but somehow I still feel like I'm going to fail the attempt to research gods, so I never start.) Doubled when it's something that CAN be failed at.
> When researching or looking into something does manage to happen, it's either look at it for five minutes, feel like nothing's making sense and stop; or look at it for hours until it all blurs together because I started and now I can't stop and nothing's making it all perfectly clear the way something has to be able to make it be
> The ever-present feeling that there's something more important/more useful to be doing
> The ever-present feeling that I'm somehow not allowed if it's something I actually want
> The ever-present feeling that I'm doing every single thing in my life wrong, starting with breathing and thinking and building up from there until basically my entire life is just stewing in this wrongness that I can't put my finger on but is inherently a part of me

....and so I'm not writing, I'm not rping, I'm not doing graphics, I'm not learning to vid, I'm not learning to draw, I'm not researching religious things, I'm not practicing witchcraft, I'm not actually getting my living situation organized, I'm not looking seriously into work at home to the extent I wanted to be, basically I just spend my goddamn days wishing I was doing something and hating myself more and more for not. And I've been trying to find ways around this, I've been trying passively for years and actively for a couple of days, but doing it actively means everything gets leveraged against the attempt to figure out how to deal with all this, so it just feels like it's never going to get done, and nothing's ever going to get done, and I'm just going to slowly hate myself more and more. Until finally I've failed to do things long enough that I have to go get another job that kills all motivation and brainpower, because god knows the work from home will never work, and then I don't even have to worry about any of this, because I'm too goddamn tired to do anything but resent the fact that I'm not doing anything anyway.

I'm tired. I'm really fucking tired. And I know this is all me being stupid. And I know there has to be obvious fucking solutions staring me in the face, even if it's just suck it up, stop being so goddamn useless, and do something. But I can't see them. And I just get more and more fucking tired, and the list of things I want to do gets longer and longer, and it feels more and more like it's never going to go down. And I can't even just accept that and be done with it, becuase I'm a fucking idiot and have to keep trying and setting myself up for failure.

Comments

[silveradept]

I hear you, although in different situations. Thing that helped me finally get going on something was a prompt and a decision to go for it, because something was very interesting. For you, maybe do something until it stops being interesting, and then do something else that has become interesting? That way you don't force yourself to only one or a few things, but just float among what's interesting, whether that's writing or playing games in a bid for procrastination, but in the end, you made progress on a few things.

Maybe. Maybe it doesn't work that way.