i'm building a body where our design has failed

Look it's an update. Not that I have much to say. I am alive, I am working, I am tired as fuck but nothing new there.

* Grandmother is doing much better and basically back to normal. Thank goodness.
* Next month there is a Pagan festival up in Tennessee. I put in for the time off to go, because it sounds amazing, and because the idea of passing up on a week away from work and from Florida when everyone was telling me to do it made me want to cry. So. We'll see if they give me the time or not.
* I got my first evaluation at work last week, and I am apparently doing pretty damn well all around, so yay me.
* I am supposed to be doing gaming stuff this coming week, though I can't find the player's handbook for character creation purposes and that's making it hard. :| I also still need to make a final decision on hopefully-longterm game choice. I am torn between demigods and superheroes. Because unfortunately, both is not an effective answer.
* On a related note, my brother and I realized there is a game store downtown, so Monday we are heading out, both to explore generally and see if we can dig up a new player's handbook. (I say new, but we play a pretty old edition in my family - AD&D 2nd edition -- so we're not sure if we're gonna have to turn to the internet or not.) There may be family gaming happening sometime soon too, and that's exciting. More tabletop! Give me tabletop forever!
* I have not written this month. Considering what this month has been, that's... not really a surprise, but I did really well last month, so realizing it kind of made me feel sick.
* I do have two memes up -- first kiss and hurt/comfort -- so if you'd like to come prompt and help me fix that, feel free.
* Saw In the Heights in the park night before last. I was not in the best of moods to be out and doing things, but despite that, the show was fucking amazing and I now need to acquire the OBC. And the cast. My god the cast. I forget that we have such awesome actors locally when I haven't been going to shows.
* I am in a really off and self-loathing brainspiral after work last night and trying like hell to ignore it.
* Mostly I am just tired. I am using games of all kinds to stay somewhat sane. Plague games on my phone, dragons on my computer, tabletop to entertain my brain while I work and try to sleep. Without games I do not know how stable I'd be right now. As it is, I am getting by.

So my family got a car yesterday. This means on days where my stepfather works too, I get to leave the house at the much more reasonable 9-ish, and should be home before 7:30. And I don't have to get up till around 7 (PM). So I may actually be able to start doing things in the morning. It's very exciting. (Being squished up in the front of what turned out to be a fairly tiny car with the stepfather... much less exciting. Mrrrh. But I'm dealing with it.)

However, it's inventory week at work, I am on for seven days straight (night 3 right now), and then my weekend is going to be spent falling over at my partner's, then two more days of work, and then Night Vale live. So this week may still end up lost to a blur of work and Bast. We'll see. Hence the fairly tiny list.

(Next weekend after might end up lost too, because BEST FRIEND IN TOWN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER. :D:D:D But we're still working out plans on that.)

( worldbuilding/writing )

last week notes:
Total words: 4220
In progress: NCiS hospital fic, rock opera fic
Completed + unposted: Steve + Siren!Bucky through CA
Completed + posted: Little Bit of Progress: Caleb fic; Angel Tribes: in-universe mythology/story of the tribes splitting and the original 7 archangels
Other: Short summaries for shared verses

Went running around yesterday for my brother's birthday. There was go-karts and lazer tag and arcade games and so much moving I could barely think and even though I kind of crashed at the end of the day because I hadn't slept for 26 hours, it was nice. And I'm sore and my legs and arms feel like jelly and the soreness left me sensitive enough that walking on tile floor hurts, but it's still just kind of nice. I'm not in the best place, but I'm in a better place than I have been lately, and one where I think I can do things. I need to wake up but I'm hoping coffee and birthday cake help with that.

Plans for today:
> Hitting up the rainbowlounge RP
> Finish the rainbowfic story started Saturday
> New verse list
> Working on verses
> Possibly more writing? Depending on how brainstuff goes?

And then at some point tonight I'm talking to my mother. I'm waiting for my brother to do his final, so that he doesn't have to do it while she's screaming if it goes that way, and then seeing whether the baby's been brought home. If not I can talk to her earlier, if so, I talk to her when the boys go to bed.

And then tomorrow I work. :P

Also, meme that's been going around, for the hell of it:
If you could have me write a fic specifically for you, what would it be like? Fandom, characters/pairing, genre, plot elements, kinks (if applicable)... what's your ideal fic from me?

So in the last twelve hours I:
> Spent a solid two or three hours having a massive meltdown over my writing
> Proceeded to hit the spot of numbness to actually do things
> Cut my verse list in half and then some, altered what remains a lot, and left myself with things I may actually be able to do with
> And now the productivity burst is wearing off, am starting to feel weird and twitchy over having done that, because I am not a real writer, so why do my verses need to be good ones or things I can do actual writing with?


.... My brain, ladies, gentlemen, and neither of the above.

I still kind of want to work on verses but I'm not sure I'm not getting too tired for it, so, we'll see.

(Also, I've marathoned Community to ridiculous extents. We have a week-long Hulu trial. I don't want it to leave me ever.)

Thing one: My computer has returned to me, fixed and working, huzzah.

Thing two: Tomorrow I transfer to the other house (and have an extra night off a week for at least the next two, this is probably bad for everything money-wise but is also a giant relief in other ways), Sunday my parents go off to Disney for a vacation. My brother and I are going to be watching the house and the dog (and me watching him) til they come back next Sunday, with the younger one at my grandmothers. Either this is going to be really good for me mentally (my brother is quiet and keeps to himself and we get along really well lately) or really, really bad (I still feel isolated and lonely and at least with my mother/Q there, I get forced into some kind of generally-not-awful interaction at some point). We'll see.

Thing three: Last night was just... bad. In every way. Door alarms going off, almost forgetting how to use words, finding out two women I really admire and enjoy the company of are very bad off, just... bad. But I'm more capable of pretending at stability than yesterday, so... yeah.

Thing four: I am considering starting to keep track of mental/physical health on a daily basis, I just... don't know if I'm going to do it. If I say I feel dumb doing it, how ridiculous does that sound?

Thing five: I am going to shoot for writing during my days off this coming week, so. We'll see how this goes.

Things I did tonight, trying to balance out brainfail:

> Caught up on about three months of I Wrote This For You and texts from blogs

> Started contemplating how to actually use my writing-stuff community and possible fic journals/if I even want one

> Rewrote and posted on DW my transformative works policy

> Said fuck it and bought a paid account (it was about as much as I have on me physically so it doesn't even alter my money plans for the next two weeks)

> Added people I've been meaning to add for a while for various reasons

> Replied to some comments, though I really need to go back to the love meme post from the snowflake challenege

> Watched about half of Scrubs S8 (which is not what I planned to watch if I got a night alone but I only really have the brain for sitcoms)

> Cleared multiple goals in Temple Run one-handed (fuck it, I'm couning the tiny victories)

I am still not okay or close to it but I'm not spiraling so hard I can't shut up anymore, and there's a kind of victory.

> I survived Black Friday morning. Tonight still has happen but since the last big sale was at 6 am, hopefully it won't be as bad as it could be. Now I just need to drag myself through the next two days and then I'm hoping I can exist more. Pizza tonight, though.

> Brain is not really okay, but I am working on it. Or at least getting through it.

> I'm up to House of Hades in my journey through HOO. This is the book, the one I kept hearing about, and it's been steadily getting more interesting, so I have high hopes. Also, a certain goddess showed up in chapter four and made me GLEE.

> Saw the first three episodes of Lost Girl, which joins the epic list of shows I've started watching and have no idea when I'll get back to to finish. (Leverage and Nikita are highest on the list, but also Breaking Bad, Lost, Walking Dead, Burn Notice, White Collar, so many more...)

> Still have December meme days open, as are the memes in the last post.

Even though I don't have much to say at all....

> I am trying to get the brain to do various things. Like write things. Read things. Comment on things. I still haven't slept yet, so we'll see how much actually gets done this weekend.

> I did get my polybigbang in on time though! Now to see if I get an artist. And to try and finish it. Whether or not I get one, because goddammit, I want to write this story.

> December meme still has most of the days open. I may try to post every day even if I don't fill every day, so please come give me things to talk about or I'm gonna resort to disjointed fic or something....

> I am working 10-7 on the night of Wed-morning of Thursday, and then 6-4 on night of Thursday-morning of Black Friday, assuming they don't ask me to stay later. I'm so excited. I'm filled with glee. Can you sense the joy in my tone. I'm going to punch someone by the time I get home. (but 12 hours of holiday pay, plus at least an hour's overtime for the week, so... there's that.)

> I've marathon read the entire Percy Jackson series plus the first book and a half of Heroes of Olympus this week at work. I like PJO much better than the first HOO; without spoilers cause I'm too tired to review it indepth enough to warrant them, I think first-person works better for Riordan than third, so while I understand the reason he went for third, it made the book weaker. However, the influx of new wordbuilding and interesting things to learn in the second has balanced that out and made it a lot stronger in some ways, especially now that I'm past some of the clunkier exposition, so we'll see if it keeps picking up.

One day I will have a more interesting status update on my life than "I'm tired". Today is not that day. I am so tired. And sore. And my leg is doing a weird thing. And I kind of want to cry, and I have all day long.

I also want to write, but I don't have the energy to do that right now, at least without waking myself up way too much to sleep when I need to.

I am talking to my mother this weekend. I am doing it and everyone who wants to should feel free to come bug and smack me on Tuesday about this because I need to get it out there so I can move on to the next step.

I am also hoping to write but... we'll see.

Also, have fixed the bank, have to activate my new bank card, have been denied for a credit card so I need to look into how to get that fixed. Also still have to call about my phone this weekend but hey, I did the bank.

I'm on five days a week starting in November. And I'm working Halloween. We're allowed to wear costume and fuck, I just don't have the energy to even try and think about piecing one together. The lack of excitement I have for Halloween/Samhain this year just kind of makes me sad, but I don't have my brain together enough to do anything about it.

Dear co-worker:
I do get that being put somewhere that you don't really know what to do is problematic, but for fuck's sake, that doesn't mean you just go off and do something you KNOW it isn't time to start yet instead of what NEEDS to be done. And you know what it REALLY does not mean? That it's time to fuck off and talk to random people instead of DOING YOUR JOB.
No really, fuck you. We were already getting one less person in the area than we normally do and you? Only really worked for two hours. So it's like we were down two people for most of the night.

Dear other co-worker:
Yes, co-worker's behavior is stressful. But you take 30-40 minutes on your 15-minute break and 90 or more on your 60-minute lunch hour -- preventing me from going til you get back, might I add -- you have no right to talk about anyone else's behavior.

Dear me:
Wow, you're a dumbfuck. Please check your bus pass' expire date twice next time you think it's weirdly late in the month. Because having to run all the way back across the giant street and parking lot to get bus fare was not fun.

Dear brain:
What is with the sudden desire to own and wear a pair of heels????? No, I really don't get it. What. What the fuck.

Dear oreos:
YOU ARE MINE.
(Also what the hell, they make pumpkin spice oreos, I am intrigued and slightly disturbed.)