you wake up a stranger to yourself, and then you learn to live with her

[balsamandash]

♥♥♥ U R AWESOME: A LOVE MEME ♥♥♥  // my thread

I did not actually realize how many usernames I was under now until I wrote that out. Been debating switching AIM & plurk over to either balsamandash or builttobalance but we'll see if I ever get around to it.

I am still not reading like I should. I am still just... tired. There's so many things I want to do. So many things I should do. But I'm so tired. Maybe when the current ear infection goes I'll be a little better, but I just don't know.

edit because apparently I have slightly more to say than that:
You know what I miss this week? Writing, tarot, and chat (especially IRC) RP.
You know what I can do about that in my current state of I-refuse-to-call-this-a-depression-episode-but-it's-probably-a-depression-episode? Absolutely goddamn nothing.

I do need to see if I can scrape finances together to get a proper tarot reading because I... kind of want one? And have nothing resembling the focus or brainpower to do one for myself? But I'm super broke right now and combine that with other stuff going on and I feel like it's not going to happen. Ugh. Which is fine, I don't need one, but it's annoying.

I also have no idea where any of my tarot decks are.

Also I cannot remember the last time I wrote and it's starting to make me feel sick. But every attempt just feels... stupid? Writing feels like a stupid endeavour. Like wasting time and like there's no point to it.

.... Not that anything I'm doing is better than wasting time. Or there was a point to saying more apparently. Sorry. I think it's time to go back to silence. When I'm not quiet, I kind of hate every word I put out.

Comments

[shipwreck_light]

YOUR WRITING IS NOT STUPID. It is made of love and happy and feels.

whitemage might be able to hook you up with a discounted reading. Anyway, if you can find a reasonable one, I'll buy it for you since it's a little thing that would make you happy.

Would you maybe like to come play at last_arrival for some low pressure RP? I brought my best character for beating up and cuddling along~. (Plus, the owner would love thebonesofferalletters's Bucky; you two just hang out and be cute.) If that's not awesome, I'd love to play with you & Seb at a private room at RBFL if you'd enjoy that.

[rootsofthestories]

What is the AC for LA again? If it's not much, I may do the thing so I can have Bucky somewhere before September...

[shipwreck_light]

As far as I know, it's show up at least once a month.

Plus, you know I'm a serial poker.

[rootsofthestories]

>> I did the thing. I hope you guys are happy. XD

[balsamandash]

<3333 I am really bad at thinking it's not but. I'm trying.

I will poke at them, then. And it's fine; I get paid tomorrow, so I'll see where my finances stand. (That or I will just... ignore this desire and spend it on paid accounts and takeout. This is a possibility. I don't entirely know what I'm getting one for anyway, so it's hard to figure out where to go for it/what I'm doing.)

<333 I will poke, but I am in RPs and failing miserably at them, so probably not? (For the game anyway; if you want to do a private thing I am not adverse to it, just have no idea what to offer/how much I'll be around and up for it.) I don't even think it's that I miss the RP so much as I.... God, I don't even fucking know, I just know I reread a lot of old logs in the past couple of days and even though I was an even worse writer years ago, they still made me miss something so badly I want to cry. I'm not even sure what about it I want back, I just do. Maybe feeling like I'm actually doing things, because even if I still felt clumsy and like I was forcing my writing onto people who'd rather I went away, I still felt like I was doing more. Maybe actually liking my ideas, because as awful as they were back then, I think I second-guessed myself a lot less than I do now.

I'm rambling now, ugh. Sorry, most of this is just me being ridiculous anyway. <3

[shipwreck_light]

IT IS A GOOD THING.

Takeout is a wonderful thing too. And mind you, if I could read tarot, I'd spot you one for a proofread or something *hearts*.

You RP whenever you want, when you want. I just wanted to let you know I'd post silliness with you any old time as you liked~.

Oh! Do you play Flight Rising? If not, there's a reg window open tomorrow. Pretty dragonses, don't need much feeding.

There are parts of the WK fic my current serial is based off of that I miss like burning, despite being much happier with what I have now overall (LSS, I made the one previous couple pretty much impossible unless Vier gets conked on the head). I feel you on that. I so feel you.

Hell, I'm considering writing an actual WK fic instead of a pastiche just to get it out of my system.

[balsamandash]

Yeeees. We found the most amazing Italian place in delivery range, and it basically has all the comfort food I could ask for. Slightly more expensive than what we'd been getting, but god, it's good. <33333 And i appreciate it, I really do. i will figure it out sometime.

I will hit you up eventually. I have so much I need to get back to, though. I think half the problem is the amount I owe, honestly. It's kind of choking me. ><

I... technically do? I have an account! I just keep forgetting to go back. XD I am inkexplosions on there, i don't remember if I have you added, and all my dragons are sad and hungry. i should go back and feed them.

*pets and hearts* It is hard to stop missing how easy writing was when I didn't know any better, both for RP and writing proper. Yes, it was cliche and awful and silly, but at least i wasn't WORRIED that it was cliche and awful and silly. I just did it.

This is always a good plan. I encourage writing the thing. <3

Just ignore the journal.

[somethingmorethanfae]

Oh! I will be able to help with takeout next week. It wont' be much but I have lik $20 that I can throw in, so you don't have to cover all of it.

Re: Just ignore the journal.

[balsamandash]

<3 You can save your money, I can take care of it.

[somethingmorethanfae]

It's fine. <333 I've got sixty coming in that Friday, so I'll be good.

[balsamandash]

I'd rather take care of it? I feel like I should take care of it.

[somethingmorethanfae]

Oh honey. You don't have to but if you feel more comfortable doing so, that's fine.

[balsamandash]

I should do something for everybody.

This is assuming it even happens next week. I don't know if I have the brain and I sure as shit haven't managed to do what I need to be here to do yet this weekend, so. I don't even fucking know. I should probably drop that and everything else, so you know.

[somethingmorethanfae]

I am just going to leave you so, so much love. You are wonderful and amazing and there is just so, so much love.

If you need anything, let me know. I can call or talk on Plurk or here or...anything.

[balsamandash]

Love you too.

Don't worry about it. I'm fine.

[rootsofthestories]

Your words are far from stupid but I understand brains. They are horrible things that consume good thoughts and spit out horrible ones sometimes.

Funny that you've been itching for tarot because I've been itching to dust off my deskx and do a thing. Or the faerie oracle. I've been kind of wanting to poke that too. I don't know. I just thought the timing was amusing.

I love you and I miss you and you're so, so wonderful. If you need anything, let me know and I can...something. I don't know.

[balsamandash]

My words are not very good, if nothing else. That's when they happen enough to even be judged. Which. They're really not anymore.

<333 Poking at tarot is good? I wholeheartedly support you going back to tarot, if you get in that mood. Have fun?

I love you too. And I'm fine. Just. Tired or something, I don't know. I'm fine. <3

[somethingmorethanfae]

I like your words? They make me happy and I'm excited to see them whenever you man manange to make them happen.

I need a place to poke them honestly. My desk is so cluttered right now. *sigh* I might amke that my mission today.

[worlds_of_smoke]

If you want, I'm always open for readings. I don't sell them, so it'd be free.

[balsamandash]

<333 You are awesome and I will keep that in mind. I kind of feel silly getting one when I'm not even sure what I'm trying to figure out? (.... I am aware that barely makes sense, but my brain is just kind of spiralling down hard today.) But I will keep that in mind. Thank you.

[worlds_of_smoke]

You can always ask for a "general message from the universe" one.

JSYK: If you want a reading, I'll need to know in the next couple days so I can either get it done or take my decks up north with me. There's info on dancingthroughstars about layouts and decks and all that jazz. I 100% DGAF if you want the biggest reading there. XD

(One of these days, I'm going to get off my ass and start using my decks again. >.>)

[balsamandash]

This is true. And I know it; it's just mostly my brain being really dumb about everything.

Looking at it, the Journey spread actually seems like something I'd really like to hear right now. I need... a lot of bearings. Are you sure you don't want payment? Because I can probably afford it (still waiting for time to tick over to check exactly much I have for the next two weeks, but I'll know that in a couple of hours) and it's kind of a lot to ask for free.

[worlds_of_smoke]

Brains are like that sometimes. <3

Eh, if you want to chuck a couple bucks my way at some point, I wouldn't say no. But I do need the practice and you do need the help, so I'm not going to insist on it. What deck did you want?

[balsamandash]

Revelations sounds the most in line with what I'm looking for, I think.

<3 Thank you. So much. This is really wonderful of you.

[worlds_of_smoke]

No problem. <3

I'll bring it up with me. I'm sure I'll have plenty of down time to poke at the cards, since the hotel's 45 minutes away from Mom's place and I can pull cards and make notes in the car. ;) I'll drop it in your PM when it's done.